©2008 Sensual Service. All Rights Reserved.

©2008 Sensual Service. All Rights Reserved.

©2008 Sensual Service. All Rights Reserved.

The topic (or dichotomy) of a Powerful Woman engaging in a power exchange, has been of great interest to me. Why would a woman, who is normally in control of their life, who is assertive, and who is successful, want to give over the ‘reins’ or choices to another in a power exchange?

I’ve come across several types of Powerful Women who have chosen to explore Power Exchanges. (Please note that even in these categories, which are not complete, there is not so much a bell curve as a ‘bell tent’ as there often are more than two axis to every personality.)

1. Those who really don’t want to be in control but have had to be in control.
2. Overachievers who are “Givers.” These types often take leadership roles in organizations or are the ones constantly doing things for friends as they are constantly giving of themselves which is as much a part of their nature as anything else. These types seem to seek, in D/s or TPE, someone with whom they can give completely, without the normal boundaries, and would happily offer “coffee, tea, or me” to the person to whom they feel will take (in an effective and positive manner) everything thing they have to offer (and will let them know that it is appreciated and accepted). [This is my favorite type]
3. Overachievers who are “Pleasers.” This type is made happy knowing that they made someone else happy; their joy comes from the joy they helped create in others. They are doers and competent types in most cases.
4. Mirror types. This type I understand less, as I think they are only occasionally drawn into BDSM from the outside. They tend not to be leaders, and they constantly mirror the desires and expectations of others. Their strength is a personal one and comes from inside as opposed to projecting their strength ‘outside’ by exerting control/authority on others.
5. Those for whom Control, and being in Control is important. This type will often struggle with their identity. It can be a woman growing up in a household of ‘masculine’ leader type men (brothers and father); or it can be someone who early on decided that the path for them was to make the decisions because they liked it, because it was effective, because it was usually better than the other alternatives. This often means suppressing the side that doesn’t want to be in control, and a person may come back to look at that withered side of their being and to try to resurrect it.

Some of the more common theories as to why women will give power (even when they wield it effectively themselves) include:

1. Evolutionary theory, where those who attach their fortunes to a powerful ‘high status’ (i.e. leader) Males have a better chance for their offspring to succeed. This also includes those who realize that it is better to have 10%-50% of a good male/partner than 90%-100% of a bad one.
2. “Cleave to” theory, which takes its name from the Old Testament where there is a quote that a woman seeks to “cleave to” a man. This implies that that this is the natural state and as much a part of human nature as that which has evolved in evolutionary theory.
3. Society/culture. By pushing women into more leadership and power roles, instead of letting them settle for a happy median, powerful women are willing to explore giving up more power than they would normally have given. Instead of finding a ‘balanced partnership’ they are willing to explore swinging the pendulum further the opposite way since society/culture has pushed them to where they are now. On the flip side, powerful women who don’t have an outlet in their society may seek a power exchange with someone who will extend their power paradoxically. (I will discuss this later as it is one of the more interesting points I’ve found.)
4. The males they find. A powerful woman (like all women) is going to find males who are poor mates on emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial level. She’ll come across the self absorbed. She’ll come across those who have an aggression against women which is rooted in a rebellion against the control they have had to give their own mothers at a time when societies message to them was that the ‘man’ should be in control. (These men have an often hidden aggression against women in general and are dangerous in relationships, especially D/s relationships.) They will find men so hurt that they lash out in pain to cause pain in others as if this was a salve for their own pain. They will come across men trying to find ‘who they are’ instead of who they want to be (and therefore constantly engage in a growth process to become who they would like to become).

If we take a look at the last one “The males they find,” one needs to consider that finding a male ‘Natural Dominant’ (I don’t ever use the term ‘True Dominant’) with both patience and emotional self-control, the signs of maturity of an adult who’s actually “grown up” and who is truly capable of taking responsibility for someone else’s life, is very difficult. And finding a person with the balance of being a ‘grown up’ and yet is still playful/creative and generally positive in their outlook ‘as an adult,’ is also difficult. (This type of male can create a ‘safe place’ for the powerful woman and encourage her to both explore giving up that power and to give up more power than they might normally do.)

So what happens when they find a Natural Dominant with those qualities? Will a powerful woman flirt with power exchange to get his attention(s) like a teenager beginning to use her shape and breasts to gain the attentions of a male that interests her? Or is there something else going on?

I propose that to understand what often happens, one needs to understand the flip side, the Natural Dom, and to understand it is more than him simply having patience and emotional self control, and being able to take responsibility for another; it is about them both seeking greater power collectively.

According to John Gray, Ph.D. in “Motivating the Opposite Sex,” he writes,

Men value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. They are always doing things to prove themselves and develop their skills. Their sense of self is designed thorough their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment. And for a man to feel good about himself, he must achieve these goals alone. Someone else can’t achieve them for him. Autonomy is key. Recognizing this characteristic can help women understand why men so strongly resist being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own. Needless to say, men are very touchy about this, because the issue of competence is of vital importance to them.

The answer resides in the first few lines, not the later portion. I’m an example of a Dom that is attracted to powerful women as I “value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement.” Yet as a Dom I do not need to “feel good about… “ myself through achieving these goals “alone.”

When a powerful/competent/leader type of woman gives power to a Dom, she acts as a ‘force multiplier’ such that the effect is NOT cumulative, but rather slightly (to drastically) exponential. As a “doer,” “leader,” “accomplisher type,” she can let herself put her energies into the details and not the big picture when she gives up control and all (or some) of the decision making. She gives to him the ‘big picture’ and redirects the energy/worry that might have been drained from her into the actions/activities/tasks she engages in (or is assigned by the Natural Dominant). This is the opposite of the ‘micro-management’ D/s relationship. He doesn’t worry about the details; he delegates (and participates in some circumstances). Sometimes, as much as he’d like to pitch in and make sure it got done, he knows that he has to leave it to the sub so that she can feel/know that she is accomplishing/achieving and getting a form of validation for herself. She doesn’t get validation from him, but rather he gives her ‘her realm’ to excel in, and also takes the final responsibility off of her shoulders and happily carries this weight around with him. If his sense of self is designed through his ability to achieve results (as per Dr. John Gray) then she, by being his responsibility and answering to his authority, extends his ability to get results. A powerful woman who willingly submits to a powerful man both validates AND EXTENDS that power. They become a “power couple” that is more than the sum of their two parts.

As he seeks competency, efficiency, and achievement, trying to do things to prove himself and develop his skills (per Dr. Gray), then the competent/efficient sub can take away all the ‘minor and time consuming details’ that take up his energy just as the ‘big picture’ takes up hers. Giving him power in a power exchange is also a validation of his own competence as she confirms it with her gift of power to the one she trusts and believes in. It is in many ways ‘proof’ that he can feel internally, and that can show to others. Publicly he will not want to let her down, and he becomes more driven to show that he is the very worthy recipient of power from the powerful/competent woman.

To teach one has to learn, and one learns the most when in the process of teaching, so too the Natural Dominant (in this type of relationship) is going to seek the constant improvement and personal development of his (powerful) sub through both mentoring and pushing her to grow. It is not about a lazy person having someone to do their ‘basic stuff’ for them, but rather it should be viewed as a power couple where each contributes their skills (and natures) to become mutually more effective.

The powerful woman gives control to the Dom as she becomes a part of something bigger, in which she knows she is a very important part, and finds a deep intimacy and trust that she can rarely share with another. No wonder many view it as a situation that would be should be ‘blissful’ (if they could only find the right Dom).

©2008 Sensual Service. All Rights Reserved.

©2008 Sensual Service. All Rights Reserved.

©2008 Sensual Service. All Rights Reserved.

©2008 Sensual Service. All Rights Reserved.

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My usual disclaimer applies. These are simply My personal musings regarding a D/s topic. It works in My relationships, but certainly does not work in all relationships. As Y/you read, think about what may or may not work for Y/you in Y/your unique relationship. Take what makes sense for Y/you, and discard the rest.

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I’ve participated in and observed a hundred discussions on limits. In each of those discussions, the conversation focused exclusively upon physical limits - limits for activities and scenes. While it’s vital to know and explore those limits, I find that to focus so exclusively upon them ignores another vital aspect of the D/s relationship.

It’s true that Dominants are responsible for their submissive’s lifestyle growth, and truth be known, that’s an important part of a D/s relationship. Yet it’s still just a part of it. And when Y/you stop to think, while it’s an important and vital part, it’s actually a very small part. How much time do W/we spend scening? Maybe five percent, if W/we’re lucky?

Now, I’m not in any way trying to diminish the importance of limits for that five percent of O/our lives. Establishing them, exploring them, discovering them, and even expanding them when appropriate (ie: not hard limits) are vital functions in a healthy D/s relationship. However, no matter how important they may be, it only covers that five percent of O/our lives. What of the other 95 %?

As Dominants, We are not charged with simply the lifestyle growth of Our submissives. Our obligations, responsibilities and commitments go far beyond that five percent of O/our D/s lives together. That’s one of the things that differentiates a D/s relationship from a BDSM play partner. No, I’m not saying one is better than the other, just different. In a D/s relationship, We Dominants accept the responsibility for the other 95 % of Our submissive’s lives, and make a commitment to their personal growth as well as their lifestyle growth. Just as in their BDSM activities, submissives have limits in their personal lives that need to be discovered, explored, and expanded when appropriate. Because the term “limits” has become so closely associated with BDSM activities, I prefer to call these personal limits “limitations”.

Limitations stand in the way of O/our personal growth every bit as much as limits in BDSM activities. Like those BDSM limits, some limitations are hard limits that should never be touched, but most personal limitations simply hold U/us back from achieving O/our full potential. They are the cause of frustration and the obstacle to achievement and success. They can affect relationships with friends and family. They can affect employment and career advancement. They can affect the enjoyment of hobbies and activities. They can even be limitations to enjoying a full and loving relationship. In short, these personal limitations affect most every area of O/our lives.

As We Dominants take on that full responsibility within a D/s relationship, We also take on the responsibility to help find those limiting factors in Our submissive’s lives. Generally speaking, what is evident to Us is a symptom of that limitation. We should take particular note whenever Our submissives says they “can’t” do something. Whenever they denigrate their own capabilities. Whenever they express frustration or a desire to quit something. Whenever they exhibit signs of changes in their lives, like a new hairstyle or a new clothing style. Whenever there is a change in body language, posture, or the manner in which they communicate, or not communicate. Whenever there is a change in an established pattern to their lives. Those are signs of someone that wants to change something about themselves. And those are also signs that something is limiting their lives, and they are choosing to change themselves in ways that does nothing to overcome that limitation.

There may be limitations from previous bad relationships. There may be limitations of self doubt. There may be limitations of fear. There may be limitations of understanding. The list is endless. And the cause of those limitations may differ considerably. So, in addressing those limitations, it’s important not to chase a never ending litany of symptoms. We must dig deep at times to find the source of those limitations, and address that source directly.

That digging process is called communication. Talking about the limitations. Finding those sources together. Don’t assume that submissives know the source of their limitations, because in many cases they don’t. Discover them together, and provide plenty of reassurance along the way. It may be helpful to keep a list of those limitations as they are discovered, and to prioritize them. Exhibit pride in Your submissive as progress is made, and especially when a limitation is overcome.

Fear and self doubt are two common limiting factors in many submissive’s lives. It’s vital for submissive to know that overcoming them, does not necessarily mean that fear and self doubt will cease to exist, but that they will grow to the point that they can act in spite of them, and no longer allow fear and self doubt to limit them. I like to use the analogy of jumping off the high board at the swimming pool. It’s frightening to stand at the top and think about jumping. It’s easy to doubt one’s ability to jump while standing up there. And it’s precisely the thinking about it that causes many people to turn around and go back down the ladder. Overcoming that fear of jumping does not mean that the fear ceases to exist. It simply means that the fear no longer limits O/our ability to actually jump. In this example, the fear can become an enjoyment all it’s own, and becomes more closely associated with excitement. It’s always there, no matter how often one makes the jump. But it has been overcome in that it no longer limits one from jumping. And in the process, one no longer doubts their ability to jump. Each successive time they climb that ladder, they know they can and will jump. That’s growth. That’s overcoming a limitation.

I would love to see more discussions in open forums about limitations in O/our lives, and certainly more discussions within relationships about them. D/s relationships do not revolve around BDSM activities, as enjoyable as they may be. The rest of life, of living together in a D/s lifestyle, occupies much more of O/our time together. The limitations W/we have in that 95 % of O/our lives that is not spent scening, have a far greater impact upon the quality of O/our lives and O/our relationships. Let’s place a greater emphasis upon personal growth, and O/our limitations. Not to exclude BDSM limits, but to make sure that personal limitations also get the attention that they deserve.

©2008 Sensual Service. All Rights Reserved.

BLIND: To conceal or to put something forward for the purpose of misleading. Subterfuge. One who acts to the point of insensibility.

FAITH: To trust, give allegiance or loyalty to another. Fidelity to one’s promises. Or, a firm belief in something for which there is no proof. It can also mean to offer a binding promise.

There is a method of attacking a submissive by asking that submissive to accept things on ‘blind faith’. This often means that a person is asking a submissive/slave to withdraw rational forethought and offer trust without any measure of that trust being earned first. This type of request can be the first move of a predator. Usually the submissive is lifestyle new and may believe that ‘belief’ is mandatory merely upon someone’s word or identification of themselves as a Dominant, a Master or a Mistress.

There are those who seek to promote what they call ‘blind faith tests’. This type of pre-interview asks for significant information about the submissive while the presenter of the test remains completely hidden. This testing is presented in such a manner as to persuade or pressure the submissive into compliance as a ‘demonstration’ of their ‘true’ submissive or slave nature.

It is a way of turning a submissives ‘desire to perform’ against them. There is no negotiation during this type of offering, the entirety of it is one sided or leading. A new submissive can easily be enticed into completing and following this pathway of tests often giving out personal information that if they were asked directly they would not answer. There is a subtle desire to ‘do this test well’ for this apparent Dominant. There is often additional pressure applied through stressed time frames for the completion of each test. This additional pressure may make the submissive feel desired but most often pushes them into revealing life details that they should not reveal to a total stranger.

It is important here to remember that first contacts are with total strangers. The usage of ‘testing’ immediately is a warning sign. A healthy Dominant or one without hidden issues or secrets will not need to know every detail of a submissive or slaves life immediately. They will be more interested in the submissives personality, reactions, and interactions with them. Simple chemistry. Open natural conversations tend to reveal and answer most questions easily.

Many Dominants use questionnaires when and if a relationship shows some potentials of going further. These questionnaires may be to evaluate the level of knowledge that a submissive may have about themselves and the lifestyle. These questionnaires have become more popular with the onset of the Internet. Most Dominants using such questionnaires will remain open to answering questions themselves and use them as simply another tool. If a submissive is uncomfortable with any type of questionnaire it is usually not an important issue. When the flow of information is strictly one way the submissive should back away from the person directing the flow. A submissive is at personal risk both physically, mentally and emotionally. A predator takes the time to learn what issues will trigger a submissive, how to speak to them and how to assault them. Trust is not given to anyone sporting a Dominant sounding name on the Internet. Trust is earned through significant consistent actions by that Dominant over a period of time. If a Dominant cannot offer any kind of references or information about themselves then a submissive should not give to that person any level of blind faith or trust!

All Rights Reserved By Mistress Steel comments or email steelbfl@sonic.net other articles can be found at www.steel-door.com

©2008 Sensual Service. All Rights Reserved.

©2008 Sensual Service. All Rights Reserved.